Please use both the writing plan and draft I’m uploading to create a revised final draft of my essay. These are the requirements:
work on finding additional sources to provide evidence - statistics, case studies, examples - to support your claims. You'll need to include an academic journal among your sources, especially an education journal would be helpful. Examples of activities that help children gain the benefits you describe would be good to explain in your paper. And a source for a counterargument is needed.
Also work on clarifying the thesis statement so it includes the 3 benefits you discuss. 
Teacher observations:
Introduction: Overview: Effectively introduces the argument and explains the topic well with a definition. You'll need to include a "hook" to attract the reader - maybe a case study or example of a student or classroom?
Introduction: Thesis:
You have a persuasive claim, but your thesis statement needs to include the reasons or major points you found to support your claim. It should "forecast" the upcoming points in your paper so the reader can follow them through your argument.
Body: Intent:
Main points are organized well, but additional information is needed to fill out your discussion for a 5 to 7 page paper.
Body: Body Paragraphs:
Some evidence is integrated, but more than 2 sources are needed. One source should not provide the support for all 3 of your main points. Adding some direct quotes from your sources would help to add variety to your argument too. Also, sources need signal phrases which explain who the speaker is, along with their credentials to show the expertise in your paper.
Body: Opposing Viewpoints:
Counterargument is presented, but needs a source to support it.
Conclusion: Review:
Effectively repeats points from your argument.
Conclusion: Insights:
Can you connect it to the reader more clearly – show why they should care, why this issue is important to them. Give the readers a “call to action” – what should parents or teachers do next?
Articulation of Response:
Font should be Times 12 point. Paper should be double spaced and include page numbers.